Saturday, November 19, 2011

FTWSMDKMAFOAD

By the age of 19 I realized something had happened inside my brain.  Emma had split town with another guy.  My parents had moved 60 miles south to a suburb I was not at all comfortable visiting.  All of my favorite bands had either broken up or sold out.  My remaining friends had sold out to one Man or another. My hatred of the world became internalized, manifesting as a hatred of myself.  I was no longer the ornery-go-lucky smart-ass punk flipping off little kids and scaring old ladies.

I became withdrawn.  I kept my hatred inside, fermenting, with no air lock to alleviate the pressure. 

I joined a band. 

Fronting a band provided some release for the anger and self-loathing that was parasitically gnawing at my insides.  Rehearsals, and especially the all-too-infrequent gigs would leave me mentally and physically drained, providing just enough release/relief and enthusiasm to get up the next afternoon and force myself to face another day.

I had the neighborhood witch-doctors push ink up under my skin in the shapes and shadows of birds of prey and human skulls.  Far from turning me into the instant bad ass most people assumed I was going for, it instead proved to me and me alone that I was never going to be normal.  It wasn’t all going to work out in the end.  I wasn’t going to ride off into the sunset with the girl just before the credits rolled.

Yet I made it.  I kept getting up in the morning.  I had a girl that actually loved me for a short period of time. I kept belting out songs of love, lust, life, death, and the always ever-present self-loathing.  I learned to put on a smile when people asked me how things were going.  I kept on faking it without ever making it.

There were times when the emotional parasites I was hosting in my head were kept in check.  There were times when I was genuinely happy.

But something always came along, something always comes along, to feed those feelings and they start to ferment again.  I do my best to put on a happy face when I am forced to be in public.  And above all I am making every attempt to take that self-loathing and once again focus it where it belongs.

Fuck The World

Suck My Dick

Kiss My Ass

Fuck Off And Die

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